7 July 2008: Vermillion, South Dakota

I was woken up this morning by Jason's roommate, who told me I had to leave quickly because their landlord was coming and I couldn't be there. Or something like that. I got my things together and told them that I was going to head off to Route 80, but Jason said it was too far of a walk and that they would drive me.

Now, I guess I just hadn't been paying much attention to the road when I got dropped off in Lincoln, but Jason was right-- it was over a two mile walk, and would have been an unbearable way to start the day.

Actually, it would have been an unbearable way to start an unbearable day on the road. Easily the worst one of the trip.

The day began with an hour-29 minute wait on Route 80 before Kent picked me up in a silver Ford Taurus. Kent was the adult leader or something of the University of Nebraska Campus Crusade, but he didn't spend more than five minutes talking about Jesus, which was a change from the status quo. He was all in all a really nice guy, and said he could take me as far as Omaha. Unfortunately, and he realized this, Omaha was a pretty inconvenient spot for me to be dropped off at, because it was on Route 80 but only about 30 miles from Route 29. That meant I'd still need one more ride to get to the main highway going north, which meant I'd probably need to get a ride going only east before I could even begin to go north. Kent said he would have taken me all the way to Route 29 but that he had to drop off some things at his sister's place in Omaha first. He was a nice guy, so I believe he really would have taken me farther if he could have.

As it was, he gave me a copy of "More Than a Carpenter," which apparently proves with fact and logic that Jesus Christ is the son of God. OK.

So Kent dropped me off at what he thought was the best on-ramp for catching a ride the rest of the way on Route 80, and I waited 56 minutes before Frankie picked me up in a black Chrysler New Yorker Fifth Avenue. When I got in the car she said that she was a "professional driver" and that she could take me to Vermillion for $90. So I had ended up in a taxi. Whoops.

To be honest, $90 to go all the way to Vermillion would have been an absolute bargain, but I definitely didn't have $90 to spend on transportation. I told her this, and she said "you're lucky I'm feeling generous" and agreed to take me to Route 29 for free. Generous indeed.

Before we got to Route 29, though, we stopped off to pick up food stamps for her sister because there had been a tornado and her sister's house had lost power for a while. And then Frankie spent the rest of the drive belting along to the soul music on the radio because she said she's an aspiring gospel singer. Man, it was a trip.

Finally we got to Route 29, and Frankie dropped me off in what were without a doubt the boonies of Western Iowa. I mean, I literally might as well have been dropped off in Amish country because only three cars drove past me in the first 20 minutes and you can bet that not one of them stopped for me. I figured I'd have to walk a bit of a ways-- finally making it hitchHIKING after having such good luck out west-- and so I went to the big ol' barn across the highway that had a big ol' sign that said "Iowa Food and Grain Co." and a big ol' "RESTAURANT" painted on the barn.

And wouldn't you know, the whole place was boarded up. Typical. Yup, it was going to be that kind of afternoon.

No less hungry than I was before, I set off down the road and walked from 3:15-4:56. Yes, over an hour and a half. And yes, at least half an hour of that time was during a downpour. I'm not making this up. I was fucking drenched.

You'd think that someone hitch-hiking in the rain would be more likely to get rides, right? At the very least, that's what I thought, but boy was I wrong. It seemed like the very minute it started raining the traffic picked up, but every single car was going right by me. It was unbelievable.

You also need to keep in mind that this was literally, and I do mean literally, in the middle of nowhere. The exits were about two miles apart, and there was absolutely nothing but corn to be seen in any direction from the road.

Finally Kurt picked me up in a blue Mazda Protege and took me, from the best that I could tell, from Butt-Fucking Egypt to Butt-Fucking Egypt. Kurt was seriously just a weird dude, and there isn't any more I can say about him. He offered to take me all the way up to Sioux City, which was convenient but meant I'd have to ride a long way with a weird-o, so when he suggested dropping me off at a rest stop along Route 29 I jumped at the chance. 15 minutes in the car with him, and damn did I just get a weird feeling about that dude.

Anyway, Chuck the truck-driver was sitting in his truck at the rest stop when we got there, and I went over and asked him for a ride. He was VERY skeptical but said he'd take me to Sioux City. When I got in he told me I was the first hitch-hiker he'd ever picked up, which was surprising. Not only that, but he was really not friendly at all-- maybe the least friendly truck driver ever. Not including the truck drivers that rape and kill you.

The thing about Chuck is that, considering he's a man who spends so much time driving, he was unbelievably critical of a life on the road. I told him that I like the freedom of being able to travel around, and the ability to do it all for practically nothing, and he told me that I should think about settling down instead. It was pretty bizarre.

When we got to Sioux City Chuck dropped me off and I only had to wait ten minutes before John picked me up in a gray Hyundai Sonata and took me the rest of the way to Vermillion. John is a South Dakota State student who hates the University of South Dakota with a passion, but said that I was probably better off going to Vermillion anyway. Which could have been a trick, I'm not really sure.

He said he wants to live in South Dakota his entire life, and when I asked him why he wanted to stay for so long he said "I'll probably live on a ranch and raise cattle the rest of my life." Thrilling. Who WOULND'T want to live in South Dakota forever?

He then pulled out some pictures and told me to look at his girlfriend, who was admittedly pretty cute. I said as much, and he gave this little smirk and said "Uh, yeah, that's an understatement." I hated this dude.

Then he told me that he usually picks up hitch-hikers, and he said "But I always have protection." And I swear to you he pulled out a knife. A fucking knife. And not a kitchen knife. A knife that could easily kill a man. This is the kind of kid who goes to SDSU? Take me to Vermillion, please.

Finally we got to Vermillion, and it was fortunate that I was so disgusted by John-- and, therefore, with all of SDSU-- because the town isn't much to write home about. In fact, it's nothing to write home about.

Vermillion? More like Verhundred. Wah wah.

By the time I got to Vermillion it was getting late, so I asked some people about a good place to get some food, and they said that most of the USD students eat at Dairy Queen and Burger King. Great.

After a hearty meal at DQ-- which seemed like the lesser evil-- I headed downtown to the four bars in Vermillion.

The bartender at the first bar was pretty cute but kinda big. Well, rather big. And isn't that just the most tragic thing of all? I always feel bad when I see a cute girl who's also a fat chick, like I should do something about it.

Anyway, because I had my pack the CG-FC started asking me about what I was doing, and the other dudes sitting at the bar listened in. The first thing from any of them was when this one dude came up behind me and said "You ever get beat up when you're traveling?" which was, shall we say, unnerving. These dudes really just didn't get that you don't have to spend your entire life in one place. They were so confused with what I was doing-- I mean, literally confused, like they just didn't get that a person could travel around after college. I almost felt bad for them. As I was about to leave this bar, one of the dudes bought me a beer and the CG-FC behind the bar gave me a shot. Remember the free drink from the previous night? Now you'll see...

The next bar I went to was simply called The Pub, and I sat down at a table with what turned out to be a local softball team made up of recent graduates of USD. These girls absolutely loved me and bought me three drinks, but all of them had boyfriends so they said they'd make sure I found a place to crash for the night. So that took care of that.

Then we went to Kerry's, and the girls bought a couple more drinks for me. This is also where I met the guys who said they'd put me up for the night. Of course, they said they'd put me up for the night VERY begrudgingly. Still, I don't so much mind that as long as I have a place to crash.

After the bar closed, I went with one of the couch dudes to a "bonfire" which, just like the one in Provo, was just some people sitting around a fire-pit. Unlike the one in Provo, though, this one was pretty, well, weird. I'll say that it was an eccentric crowd, for the sake of not being mean, and while I'm the first to support eccentricity, this one was just a bit too much. When the dude who was playing guitar busted out the 4-Non Blondes song "What's Up" (so I wake up in the morning and I step outside...) it was just too much.

Finally we went back, not a moment too soon, but when we got to the apartment the other roommate was leaving to go to the bonfire. We said we had already been, and I certainly didn't feel like going back, so the first roommate and I stayed.

Then the CG-FC from the bar came over and was hitting on the dude. Boy was that awkward. There was absolutely nowhere for me to go, so I just pretended to be asleep and, after a little while, the CG-FC left and I did in fact fall asleep on the chair. And that was the night.

Now, if this sounds bad, it isn't really even the half of it. The truth is, these two dudes, or at least the one I went to the bonfire with, were the most inhospitable couch I've ever had. They literally, and this is not a joke, tried to ditch me three times. First at the bar, when they tried to leave without me noticing, then at the bonfire, when the one dude again tried to leave without me noticing, and finally as we were getting ready to walk back to the apartment, when the dude once again tried to hurry off without me noticing. I noticed it each time, but if you think I was out of line for cock-blocking the dude back at the apartment, hell, he got what was coming to him.

Not to mention, she was a fat chick.