30 June 2008: Provo, Utah

The Provo Challenge: Day Six

Today, I went with Amber, Deborah, and the twins to Seven Peaks water park, home of the biggest water park in the state of Utah-- not to mention the Friday night-skank fest which I regretably passed up.

The park itself was actually pretty good. There were a bunch of good slides-- I didn't count how many, but something tells me there were seven of them-- and it was a beautiful day, which is always nice. The lines weren't even that bad despite it being the biggest water park in the state of Utah. Maybe that's because it's in the state of Utah.

So that's that. It was a lovely day, but it could have been any day at any water park in America. The only real distinction to note, and it's not a happy distinction, is the bathing suits. The twins both wore a tank-top and shorts as their bathing suits. I don't want to make any generalizations about this because they were just about the only girls I saw with "bathing suits" like that-- including Amber and Deborah-- but it was pretty lame. Well, that's Mormons for you.

Oops.

Anyway, let's skip right ahead through Seven Peaks to the evening. The previous night, while Katie was driving me to Denny's, we made a dinner date for this evening at around 6:30. I called her a bit after that, though, which turned out to be too late because she had to go check up on a friend in her ward to read scriptutes to her and make sure she was "doing alright." Seriously.

Anyway, we decided that she would pick me up at the water park at 7:30 instead. But I lost track of time, and when 7:28 rolled along I didn't want to keep her waiting because I had already fucked up with the 6:30 time. So I said a very quick good-bye, got my stuff and left.

A few hours before this happened, though, the twins had talked about going to see another movie that evening. Thinking I would be seeing Katie at 6:30, and thus would be able to get to the theater in time, I went along with the plan. But since it was a later time than I expected with Katie, I asked Lenora if they could wait until after 9:00 to see the movie so I could go too.

Finally, to set this up, all I told the twins was that I was "going out with a friend." Not that I was trying to hide it from Lenora, since the only thing I assumed I would be "hiding" was another walk around her neighborhood. But, either way, I only said I was seeing a friend. And, for whatever reason, Lenora was visibly upset that I was leaving-- whether it was simply that I was leaving or rather because I was leaving to see "a friend," I do not know.

Well, like I said, I was really only expecting to have another deep conversation while walking around with Katie. Which, essentially, is what I did. But what I hadn't been expecting was that I would also end up committing Mormon infidelity.

What constitutes Mormon infidelity? Well, here's a summary of all the naughty things I did with Katie. Try to keep calm while you read this.

1) When Katie pulled up in her car I told her to get out so I could give her a big hug, because I was wearing a wet bathing and I wanted to get her wet as a joke.

2) I was talking with Katie in the car and facing her while we talked. You know, because once in a while it's nice to look at the person you're talking to.

3) My date with Katie consisted of us walking through town for a little while. Which is as I had expected, except in town instead of around her neighborhood. Great thrills.

4) We held hands. Because I was feeling bold and audacious.

5) I kissed her on the cheek. Because I was feeling bold and audacious.

Now, to be honest, this evening was a little more interesting than the previous as far as the date was concerned because I hadn't really seen much of downtown Provo before then-- crazy, on account of it was already my sixth day there. There isn't much to speak of in regards to downtown Provo, but I suppose it was nice enough.

However, the conversation was more or less as interesting as the previous night's-- which is to say, not very. The one main thing we hit, though, was Mormon propriety. During the "date skit" at the dinner bbq-dance party in the barn, the dude had said the schitzophrenic dude wanted to hold hands with his split personality. More specifically, he said he "wanted to take the relationship to the next level" and hold hands.

Well, that got me thinking. Holding hands seems to me like the FIRST level of a relationship, not the NEXT. Sarah had given me a general idea about the dating-to-marriage trajectory-- four months till "serious," eight months till marriage-- and she had made it pretty clear that Mormon making out with a guy on the third date is skanky. But I was pretty baffled by the idea that there was a time-frame for when a guy should "take the relationship to the next level" and hold the girl's hand. So I asked Katie about Mormon propriety.

I asked her at what point a dude would no longer be considered bold and audacious for holding his date's hand. She said that it depends on the girl and the guy, but that "the third date is typically decent." The third fucking date. To hold your date's hand.

So I asked her what would happen if, depending on the girl and the guy, the dude WAS bold and audactious and went for the hand-hold too soon. Well, she said that one time a dude did just that and went for the hand-hold on his second date with her. Talk about bold and audacious, "I pulled my hand back quickly." Hell, I would've slapped the creep.

Anyway, it was technically my second date with Katie-- although I'm guessing she probably would have considered the car ride its own separate date if I had asked her. Not being quite at the point of Mormon propriety, but figuring I'd try my luck, I asked Katie if it would be bold and audacious of me to hold her hand. Her words, and I quote, "why don't you find out."

BAM.

Now, normally I would say that was a Mormon come hither, if only it had been any other Mormon but Katie. But because it WAS Katie-- the most conservative Mormon I met who had only kissed one guy and who never goes out with guys she doesn't already know and who literally once pulled her hand back from a guy who tried to hold it on the second date-- I was a bit more hesitant. Still, throw caution to the wind. When in Provo, do as the Mormons do.

So I went for the hand-hold.

And wouldn't you know, she willingly accepted.

Feeling pretty money, I decided to take the relationship to even one more next level, and I asked her if it would be bold and audacious of me to kiss her on the cheek. Her words, and again I quote, "why don't you find out." Damn right I'll find out.

Wouldn't you know, she willingly accepted again.

Now, that was where I drew the line, since there was literally nowhere else to go. Any more would be practically a Mormon make out, which I was sure was off-limits, and and the little Mormon sitting on my left shoulder told me that two kisses on the cheek in such a short span of time would be dirty. The little Mormon sitting on my right shoulder agreed.

So we walked a little more and eventually she had to leave to go on another house-call to check up on a friend in her ward and read scriptutes to her and make sure she was doing alright. Seriously, again.

But before she dropped me off at the twins' place, I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek again. I do believe she actually squirmed and was offended by my boldness and audacity. I'm not making this up.

Anyway, the twins weren't home so I called Nerina, who said they were already at the theater but that they'd come pick me up.

Now, do you remember that whole Mormon infidelity thing? Well, when you're caught in the act of Mormon infidelity, your punishment is a little something I call Mormon cock-frigidity. It's when your girlfriend catches you cheating, and you know she knows, and she's not giving you the time of day and she's definitely not putting out for at least the next week as punishment. It's just like that. Except, well, it's for Mormons.

So what are the tell-tale signs of Mormon cock-frigidity? Funny you should ask.

1) Nerina and Amber picked me up at the house to take me to the theater. Now, one of the more adorable things about these girls is that they all blatantly aid each other in Mormon flirtation. Or, at least, the three of them all aid Lenora in her Mormon flirtation with me. They went out of their way to get out of the room after the missionaries visited and, oops, Lenora and I accidentally were alone together. Nerina left the social event after church early and, oops, Lenora and I accidentally had to walk home alone together. Or, with every single ride where they dropped me off or picked me up, Lenora was always without fail in the car. But not this time.

2) Lenora and Deborag were waiting for us in a restaurant, and when I sat down next to Lenora she didn't look up but merely said in her most Mormon cock-frigidity voice "so did you enjoy your romantic walk?"

3) Right before we left for the theater, Lenora blatantly and obviously told Deborah "I want to dance with Matt on Wednesday, but Cameron is coming back and Josh wants to dance with me, too." You don't say, huh? I mean, this couldn't have been any more obvious.

4) When we walked down the aisle at the theater, it went Nerina then Amber then Deborah then Lenora then me. Well, after the first two went into the row, Deborah stepped back and let Lenora go past her so that Deborah was sitting next to me instead. Harsh.

5) When we got back to the house, the last thing Lenora said before Amber left was "I'm so excited for my three dates on Wednesday." Gag me.

Boy, it could not be any more obvious that she knew about my hot date with Katie and was pissed about it. Not to mention that I was definitely not getting another Mormon hook up, or even a Mormon make out, for the forseeable future.

(For the record, if you're wondering how on earth she could have known about this, the girls had left the water park right after I left, were driving next to us the whole way, and, as Nerina said the next day to explain why Lenora was mad, I was "looking at that girl the whole time." Scandalizzle. So that explains the hug and the car ride, and I guess they must have seen us get out and start walking, but thank god they didn't know about the hand-hold or the kiss on the cheek. Would that have been trouble, but good. Damn.)

So anyway, Lenora was the Ice Queen and, to make matters worse, I actually had to sit through "Made of Honor." Good lord was it unbearable. Assuming it was Lenora's choice of movie, since the other three all seemed to be accomplices in her Mormon cock-frigidity, my first thought was that she had picked it simply as a way to purposefully spite me-- you know, to make me sit through that atrocious movie.

But then I thought that maybe she was just giving me food for thought. Lenora is rather quickly approaching marrying-time, and after that she very quickly becomes an old spinster. Maybe, either despite her Mormon cock-frigidity or because of it, she was giving me a clear hint. I'm not going to explain the movie, but let's just say it's got marriage on the mind.

Finally and blessedly, the movie ended and we went home. Lenora said she was tired and went to bed immediately. I was heading out to Denny's-- where else-- but before I left I sat down next to her and asked what was wrong. She said nothing. I pointed out the five instances of Mormon cock-frigidity that I had noticed. She said nothing. I asked her if she wanted to talk. She said nothing. I said bye, and she asked if I would be there in the morning. I said maybe, and she said "I hope I see you again." Take that as you will.

So I went to Denny's and sat down immediately at this one table with a dude and two girls. After about ten seconds they said they weren't BYU students. Crash and burn. Well, once that happens you can't stay for a second round immediately. So I left.

I was walking away when I heard some noise coming from down the street next to Denny's. There were a bunch of kids shooting off fireworks in honor of Canada Day, which I figured was as good a reason as any. It was three dudes and five girls, although one of the dudes left pretty soon after.

After finishing the fireworks we went inside for a little while. I was talking to one of the dudes, Garrett, who said that he and the other guy, Josh, go to the BYU campus in Hawaii. Talking about that campus would be a whole different thing, but what Garrett basically said is that he goes to BYU-H because he doesn't like the stereotypical Utah Mormon. I asked him what he meant by that, and he said "Well, even a Mormon who doesn't drink has to be comfortable around a guy with a beer in his hand. The kids who go here aren't." Boy, did that dude hit the nail on the fucking head.

They asked me if I was enjoying my Provo experience, and I said that I'd had a good time so far but that the one thing I hadn't done was go to a bonfire. So they said that they would have one the next night. A bunch of cool kids indeed.

At this point, since everyone was leaving, it was back to Denny's for me. This time I sat down with two dudes and a girl, all of whom had just gotten off their job at a security company and were sitting at the table against the far wall on the right. These were some all-star kids.

The girl was 18-years old and named Crystal. Make your own assumptions about an 18-year old girl named Crystal who's sitting in a Denny's at 2:00 in the morning. I'm not going to say anything, but you're probably right. Her story, to put it simply, is that she has a kid and is pregnant with another. She has to go to a Mother's School because the main school won't let her attend because she's pregnant. Fucked up. She seemed like a really sweet girl, not that pregnant 18-year old mothers wouldn't usually be. Well, she was.

But the real star of the show was this dude Brenton who's 20 and has taken the past couple of years off to work and get money so he can go to UVU. He's also been working on repairing an old car-- I forget which one-- which he plans on taking on a cross-country roadtrip. His big thing is that he recently found out he had a "surprise kid," which by definition is when the ex-girlfriend shows up with a kid and it turns out that it's yours. A great situation to find yourself in. But this dude Brenton, he said he'd be with the mother if he could and she wanted him to, but she needs to get her act together first. I'm telling you, just an all-around good dude.

Oh, and he gave me $20 of food money. Yeah, I took it. That's Road Karma, baby, and it'll come back to Brenton ten-fold when he gets on the road himself. And I'm pretty sure he knows it, too.

So who does that leave? The third guy, introduced to me as Dumb-Shit.

I don't want to say anything too terrible about Dumb-Shit, but the name kinda works. Or maybe not. But either way, as much of a dude as Brenton was, Dumb-Shit was the exact opposite. For one, he said maybe two words the entire time I sat there. For another, he honestly maybe looked up from his plate four times.

But the main thing, much more important than those first two, is that he asked me why I picked their table to sit down at. I said "Because you guys looked cool." Well, Dumb-Shit made it clear that he wasn't cool, and that he tries to damnedest to not be cool. And he's proud of it. Just so you know.

Well let me tell you, oh wise one, Brenton and Crystal are cool because they're willing and happy to talk to a stranger they've just met. That's pretty cool. One of them's out of school and one of them's a pregnant teenage mother. I'm not too sure how "cool" either of those are. But they're some pretty fucking cool cats. All you gotta do is talk, Dumb-Shit. I'm easily impressed.